Back in 1982, I became a member of Local 802’s Executive Board when John Glasel and his ticket swept the Local 802 officers’ election and brought in a new era for Local 802 with their Members Party. John said to me, “How would you like to write a column for our monthly newspaper Allegro?” I said, “I would, and I know just the column I want to write. Every time musicians get together on the bus, in the bandroom, backstage at the gig or in their favorite bar, they start telling stories on each other. Someone always says that somebody should write these stories down. Let me be the guy.”

So, the February 1983 issue of Allegro carried the first Band Room column, and I have continued writing it, even when Covid changed the newspaper from printed paper to an online publication. I managed to republish many of the stories I had collected in two books: “Jazz Anecdotes” and “From Birdland to Broadway,” with a paperback expansion of the first titled “Jazz Anecdotes, Second Time Around,” and there are Japanese translations of both of them by the great novelist Haruki Murakami.

But time and age have changed the music world, and they have changed me as well. I’ve used up most of my stories, and the places to hang out with other musicians have diminished, and so this is my final Band Room column. As a farewell, I’m adding anecdotes from that original 1983 column here:

***

In contrast to the serious business of the union reported elsewhere in this paper, this column will be devoted to the trivial, odd, amusing, and otherwise non-serious items about New York musicians. Most of us seem to enjoy each other’s company, and we spend a lot of time laughing together. In our business, you either learn to laugh, or you may cry a lot. The old joke — “What’s the difference between a bass and a cello?” “A bass burns longer” — is a good example of laughing to keep from crying.

***

Bass players get asked about once a week, “Don’t you wish you played the piccolo?” I usually answer, “You mean this isn’t a piccolo?”

***

Outsiders’ attempts at musicians’ jokes rarely hit the mark. Our own jokes are better. “How late does the band play?” “About half a beat behind the drummer.”

***

There are at least as many Benny Goodman and Buddy Rich stories as there are ex-sidemen from their bands. There are great lines, like Don Joseph’s “I’m barred from bands and I’m banned from bars!” Or Al Thompson’s grand gesture, after listening to another musician’s long tale of woe at Charlie’s Tavern about the scarcity of gigs. “Charlie, give this cat a gig. And put it on my tab,”

***

Bobby Hackett was known for never saying anything bad about anyone. When a friend insisted that he comment on Adolf Hitler, Bobby said, “Well, he was the best in his field.”

***

Bobby was offering one of his old trumpets for sale. “It’s worth the money,” he said. “Above the F, it’s absolutely brand new!”

***

Eddie Condon was trying to cross 52nd Street one night, and a friend, seeing he was having trouble walking straight, took him by the arm. Eddie indignantly tried to pull away, and lurched toward the opposite curb. The friend pulled him back and yelled, “Eddie, the cars are coming! You’ll be killed!” Eddie gave him a withering look and snapped, “Well, let me do it on my own!”

***

Merv Gold recently finished taking his vacation from the pit of the hit show “42^nd Street.” Merv doesn’t like vacations. “I had plenty when I wasn’t working.”

***

I was jamming with Zoot Sims and some French jazz players one night in the sub-basement of a Paris bistro. Zoot really tore into one tune, playing chorus after chorus of his own special whoopee, and then, as he turned it over to the piano player, he grinned at me and said, “You know, you can have a lot of fun with these musical instruments!”

THE END!

Local 802 thanks Bill Crow for 43 years of excellent columns and hilarious stories. We’ll miss publishing Allegro’s longest-running column, Bill! You can read Bill’s archives here and you can stay in touch with Bill at billcrow@prodigy.net.